Kondwera: Losing our humanity when under threat. Lessons from my late mum on how to be better to each other.
Have you ever felt overlooked, undermined, or left out when there wasn’t enough space, time, or opportunity? The likely answer is yes. Even as kids, we experienced this. Perhaps we squabbled with our younger sibling over the TV. And that younger sibling may have artfully embellished a story about unfinished chores to get us into trouble so that he can have the final say in which show to watch... It’s a now-funny example that shows how we’re primed to react when we think resources are scarce.
As we grow up, these dynamics become more complex, but the impulse remains. While most people do not lean towards Zero-Sum Thinking, when things get tough, it's easy to feel as though we need to compete to secure our share, especially when resources seem limited. Especially in this moment.
It’s only human.
But what if we approached things differently?
Today marks 22 years since my mum fell ill, and three weeks later, she was gone. It was sudden, it was cruel... she had just turned 40. Grief comes in waves, even after decades, so I took a walk today to clear my head. The sunlight reminded me of a quote I read in Glamour magazine by Tracee Ellis Ross, the multihyphenate powerhouse (and yes, daughter of Diana Ross):
“When people say to me on social media, 'I'm rooting for you,' that's so wonderful. I cheer for people too. Even if I don't know you, I want you to have a great life. I was raised to believe that there's enough sun for everybody.”
When I first read that years ago, I immediately thought of my mum. At under five feet tall, she may have been small in stature, but her presence was larger than life. She believed deeply in lifting others up, and that in any situation, we should ask ourselves:
🔹 Did I help as best as I could?
🔹 Was I kind?
🔹 Did I fight for others? And boy, did she fight for others! Especially those without.
I’ll never forget how she showed this in action. When my birth country took in refugees from Rwanda and Burundi, she gathered clothes (including her own), toys, and supplies and gave them to those who had lost everything.
One of the most important lessons she left me is that, no matter the circumstance, we can always lead with love and kindness. We can leave this world better than we found it. She was the type of person who noticed if the sunlight wasn't reaching someone and she'd find a way to get that light to them. Hers was a short life, but I think she'd say she lived it fully.
So, let’s spread the light. There is enough sun for all of us.
Here’s to the women (not only the ones with whom I share what Hope Edelman suggested was "the most awful sisterhood") who continue to climb and lift others as they go.
And here’s to everyone, no matter their challenges, who spreads just a little more goodness in this world.
✨ Hi, I’m Tondi Mondoloka, the proud daughter of Josephine, the lady in red. And I’m rooting for you always.
I shared a version of this on my LinkedIn.
My mum, Josephine, wearing a red skirt suit at a Lions Club meeting in Zambia, is raising her glass after giving a speech. A woman in the background with a black dress and white jacket is also raising her glass.
Tracee Ellis Ross quote: “I was raised to believe that there’s enough sun for everybody.